What happened to thank-you notes?

When I was growing up, writing thank-you notes was an onerous but necessary task that followed every gift-receiving occasion. My parents made me write one for each Christmas present or cash-enclosing birthday card from faraway relatives.

As a childless adult, I've lost track of how many gifts I've purchased for the offspring of friends and relatives, but I could probably count on two hands how many hand-written thank-you notes I've received. Though most parents I know are polite, and they take pains to teach their children manners, this seems to no longer include writing thank-you notes.

A recent online survey conducted by Today Moms and Parenting.com found that just 30.7% of parents require that their children always write thank-you notes, and a full 27.6% said they never do.

This is too bad, because the practice can teach children valuable lessons that will serve them well in the future -- socially, financially and in business.

Etiquette experts agree

I'm not alone in mourning the passing of thank-you notes. Etiquette and parenting experts assert that it's still important -- though they take different positions on what form they should take.

• Sticklers for propriety say the notes must be hand-written and should be on stationery or plain note paper, not pre-printed cards. Emily Post, of course, says hand-written notes are always appropriate: "The rule of thumb is that you should send a written note any time you receive a gift (even a 'thank you' gift) and the giver wasn't there to thank in person."
• Some say e-cards are now appropriate. "It may be not as much of an effort as it is to write a thank-you note, address it and stamp it, but this is just as effective," etiquette specialist Cynthia Hightower-Jenkins told USA Today.
• Says Chow.com's Table Manners column:

"(F)or most thank-you purposes, an email is appropriate. Now that people use text messaging so much, email has some of the old-fashioned cachet that paper cards have. This is even truer if you use a service like Paperless Post to create a virtual thank-you card."

Whatever form the thank-you note takes, teaching your child to send a note can have benefits. Post continues below.

It teaches a valuable skill. Writing holiday thank-you notes is good practice for writing interview thank-you letters as children grow up and start looking for a job.

It helps your kids stand out. Supermodel and mother-of-four Heidi Klum complimented her friend Victoria Beckham for teaching her children impeccable manners, according to Mail Online: "She has the best behaved kids in the world. When we go to their birthday parties, each of the kids writes handwritten thank-you notes on their own headed paper."

Even if you're not a celebrity, it's never too early to start. Teach your children to write and send thank-you notes as soon as they are verbal, Hightower-Jenkins said, even if all they can do is scribble their names.

Some tips from Emily Post:

• "Cut out the obligation and play up the gratitude." 
• Make the activity age-appropriate. Let younger kids dictate what they want to say, sign their own names and stamp the envelopes.
• Talk about the reasons for writing thank-you notes. 
• "Remember to keep it fun! If you view this as drudgery, so will the kids."

Parents will be rewarded for their efforts, as Perry Hall Patch contributor Stacey Schantz wrote: "I know the significance is getting through, because after receipt of one gift, my son whispered to me that he needed to write a thank-you note because that was exactly what he had been hoping for."

Not writing thank-you notes can have consequences too. I confess that I stopped sending gifts to relatives who didn't even let me know my packages had arrived. It wasn't punitive, just practical. As Washington Post reader "Sarahabc" wrote: "Nobody wants to throw gifts into a black hole where they aren't acknowledged."

Do your children write thank-you notes -- or do you? What's your take on handwritten vs. email?

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