Warren Buffett must be an idiot, isn't he? I mean think about it. Think about what this clown is saying and doing. Think.

First, he likes investing in America. The stooge! Doesn't he realize we don't know how to make anything, and we have a dysfunctional government with a dysfunctional president? Doesn't he read the papers?

Second, he wants to buy something big right here, right now? Who is he -- Moe? Larry? Curly? Dumb? Dumber? Petey? I mean someone buy the old guy a copy of The Wall Street Journal. He’ll see that everything is overvalued and going lower. How can he want to buy anything when we know everything is hopelessly, radically overvalued? Like maybe 10%, 20%, 30% overvalued? You name it.

Plus, everything is going higher: costs, taxes, labor, materials, entitlements. Shouldn't he be selling and shorting? Who is he kidding? Does he think he's cheerleader-in-chief​? Is that the game he's playing? He just likes the TV. Would walk a mile for a camera.

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Third, he's optimistic. Now that's a dodge. You know the old guy's got to have some sort of personal account where he's banging down the futures every day. He has to be, right? I mean he's way too rigorous to really be optimistic. Maybe he thinks Cairo is a city in Illinois. Maybe he thinks that Montgomery just took Rommel in Benghazi so everything's calm now.

Doesn't he know that $500 billion in municipal bonds are at risk? Or how we are broke and getting more broke, everyday? Or that oil is going to $200 and we've got the Saudi day of rage coming up on March 11? Octogenarians aren't on Facebook, I guess.

Fourth, he is happy with this railroad purchase. Yeah, sure. For now. He doesn't get that when the Chinese tighten up, nobody will want what Burlington ships. Locomotives? How about loco portfolio managers! That railroad is going to be worse for him than all of that housing nonsense he owns. Remember, this is the same dope that bought gypsum board at the high and motor coaches. Motor coaches for heaven's sake! And Chinese automakers! Doesn't he even realize what happens to cars when a government tightens?

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Fifth, perhaps the issue here is that he hasn't really been around long enough to see anything like this market. He just doesn't comprehend what can really go wrong! He hasn't read the "Ahead of the Tape" column in the Journal and doesn't know that he will soon be victim of the most important Newtonian law of investing: What comes up must come down. Heck, and then there is the Journal's corollary -- it doesn't have to go up to go down!

Here's my conclusion. If he didn't maintain that faux-openness, then the Securities and Exchange Commission would have to be looking through those numbers to see how he can really generate those returns. I know that JPMorgan (JPM) is having trouble modeling him. I have seen the memos. The Wilpons have told me not to worry, that the bullpen is a bigger fret. Everyone's just making too much money to squeal, of course. Wait until Picard gets in there!

If you buy that, there’s only one investment strategy you will ever need: short Berkshire Hathaway (BRK.A).

At the time of publication, Cramer was long JPMorgan.

Jim Cramer is co-founder and chairman of TheStreet. He contributes daily market commentary for TheStreet's sites and serves as an adviser to the company's CEO.

Follow Cramer’s trades for his Charitable Trust.

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